The Predicament of Redwood Paddock Read online

  ***

  De Vere was out of breath as he neared the pub, his mischief had made him temporarily forget he was not really up to running. He was poised to enter the pernicious code via log-in when to his absolute astonishment the screen delivered a flashing message in red, saying that due to security concerns, entry protocols had been upgraded. It further stated that if the user didn’t have second tier access password(s) they should put their name on a list held by Collie, and the Management would get back to them. It apologised for the temporary inconvenience and looked forward to seeing them in future. Tarquin’s now purple-hued skin was noticed by The Old Speckled Hen and she alerted Collie, who dashed over with a double scotch, and administered it very adroitly.

  “What the hell is going on with the Holo-matrix?”

  “Don’t worry sir, it is just offline for a day or so until the new security upgrade is complete. Here, drink the rest of this, it’s on the house. Do you wish me to put your name on the list?”

  “Well, yes of course, and thank you Collie for the stiffener, but how were you informed of this change?”

  “The screen just came on abruptly, accompanied by a siren type noise, nearly shit myself, if you’ll excuse the expression sir. When I approached the machine it flashed the message you have just read, then the Owl appeared and asked me politely to keep a list of those who wanted to be given the new passwords, then they would scrutinise the list, and those considered to be clear of risk after vetting would receive the new data.”

  “Who are they?”

  “Dunno sir, a bit over the top though if you ask me.”

  “So you have the new passwords to be released after the vetting?”

  “Oh no sir. I never use the thing, not interested. However, the Owl did ask me to apologise to you personally if you came back. He said the scrutiny part was not necessary for you, but the machine would still be down to complete the re-programming. He assumed you would want the new passwords, so unless that is not the case you will get your entry data via secure channels, you don’t need to do anything. Can I take it that you do want your access to continue?”

  “Well that is a little more reassuring,” beamed De Vere, feeling as important as he felt he needed to feel, “I appreciate Enoch’s candour, and I can see that these steps are necessary. Can’t be too careful, must keep the riff-raff under control. Another scotch would be in order, won’t you join me bardog?”

  “That I will sir, just pleased you are recovered from your nasty turn.”

  ***

  As IR entered the reception area he felt the glare of attention from the other local delegates, the staff, and of course the organisers of the seminar. They all seemed to be in suspended animation as he signed in. It was more than a little glitzy compared to his usual surroundings. Technology seemed to protrude from every available space, the carpets were a kaleidoscope of synthetic fibres, generating static and visual disorientation. Aircraft style floor lights illustrated the nearest fire exit and gigantic vending machines offered scented teas or truffle consommé.

  “Welcome Richardson,” beamed Horace, offering a slimy handshake, “we have heard a lot about you in a short time, and we look forward to giving you and your fellow local officers more tools to carry on the good work. Anyway, more of that later, let us get everyone introduced.”

  After the formalities Horace kicked off proceedings by a fanfare outlining the need for cohesion, and who better to deliver the detailed sermon than Hedinsand.

  Trenchy, still impassioned from his encounter with IR, bleated on interminably about feral councillors failing to comprehend the need for a chain of command and loyalty. Once he had really lost the audience big time, Horace abruptly intervened and asked the attendees for their patience, promising that the practical modules of the course would be a little more constructive than the call to arms of the keynote speech. He then feigned admission that there was a strong commonality in the party message and the practical mechanisms.

  The seminar was to promote trust and a situation in which no one should feel alone in their struggle to help govern the locality and the country. It could be likened to an order of missionaries. The seminar was also being video recorded. Hedinsand immediately regretted his emotional opportunism, but was unaware that, from the first coffee break onwards, the entire gathering knew of his recent underhand behaviour and the mobile networks ensured that all the Sniffys in the land had brokered their deals with the media. By morning, the rumour mill had also cast Wimp Fargo as a snowball trying to survive a slalom through molten lava.

  ***

  Hedinsand was summoned to HQ along with Standin-Line and Bombortwo. Horace completed the seminar and felt that the more compliant party loyalists had been reinforced, but others remained neutral, and worse still IR had galvanised support without really doing anything. He would have to give this more dedicated contemplation.

  The report that Bombortwo had given Horace indicated that the algebra strongly suggested the PM was not exactly rock solid over the EU. Even those who voted with him were uneasy, troubled, and prepared to listen. It was characterised as a pile of sticks precariously balanced and highly dependent on just a few of them remaining unaltered to preserve the illusion of stability.

  Horace rang the PM prior to the arrival of the others to declare the seminar was a success, in spite of Hedinsand’s outrageous attack on the foot soldiers. He let slip that the videotape of this was with Standin-Line. He forewarned the PM about growing suspicion of impending leaks to the media, and was at a loss to know how this had happened. He claimed it would have been better to have avoided Tenchy’s idea altogether in his own judgement, and he wished he had aired his misgivings at the time it was suggested, but he had no way of knowing how vitriolic the Minister of Education would be in such a ‘public’ group.

  When the PM asked for his recommendation, Horace asked if the situation vacant at Homeland Security had been filled. The response was confusing in that it was a ‘potential’ vacancy, and as such, candidates would only be assessed if rumour was to confirm that a change was expected. Horace made it clear that it might be prudent to encourage someone to express interest in a potential vacancy, a person who had no potential to succeed in filling it. When the potential vacancy was actual, the preferred candidate would come forward and take office, vacating their previous post, thus creating a space for an ‘allied’ candidate to occupy. This musical chairs charade would mitigate at least some of the immense disappointment of the ‘allied’ candidate.

  The PM said he was pretty sure he knew what Horace meant, and the reptilian pounced immediately, further suggesting that the PM confer with Standin-Line and Bombortwo on this before openly challenging Hedinsand, knowing that they would both deliver the Brutus judgement.

  In a proverbial whirlwind Hedinsand was the new Coordinating Consultant Designate for an EU Think-Tank Conception Study. One crucial stick removed from the pile and one Wimp retired.

  Chapter 21

  Enrico tracked down De Vere in the village square, feverishly consuming a Havana and cursing under his breath that even the high and mighty had to conform to the indoor smoking ban. To be fair however, it did ensure he got some fresh air. The old square was a real focal point and displayed a mixture of architectural styles, which reminded visitors that there was more to life than constantly jockeying for an advantage over fellow citizens. The imposing buildings had each taken several decades to complete and consequently reflected a permanence which grated with the disposable society in which we now dwell. This aura was completely lost on Tarquin.

  “Mr T. De Vere?”

  “Who wants to know?” Funny how such a smart reply always means yes!!

  “I’m Enrico Silenzio, I have some secure information for you.”

  “Ah yes my good man, go ahead, I’m De Vere.”

  “Do you have any identification sir?”

  “Yes, of course,” said Tarquin, flashing his party membership card with photo, “will this suffice?”

/>   “Absolutely sir, here you are.”

  De Vere headed for the pub armed with the new code and switched on the scanner. He entered stage one of the log-in with a remote keyboard and this employed a check for anti-spy ware systems……. ‘No malware found’ came up on the tiny screen, confirming the scan, so he entered the secret data given to him by Bios Derailleur on the mini-keyboard. The message shot off to Derailleur, who despatched a surveillance programme to Tarquin’s palmtop. De Vere transferred this to the mini-keyboard and input the new second stage data, coded as ‘operation Icarus,’ and magically the owl appeared.

  “Ah, you received the new log-in data safely, now what can I do for you?”

  The Owl’s new secure programme then immediately modified the internal software to appear as if the Holo-matrix was running normally. The clever part allowed Enoch’s image to continue with genuine live feed or alternatively switch the hacker to harmless archive footage, with a single keystroke.

  De Vere displayed a boyish facial expression, hoping it would disguise his (and Derailleur’s) skulduggery, then proceeded to inform Enoch of his success in getting the H.U.F.F. candidate on board for the forthcoming debate. He said he had also heard rumours of earth tremors at central HQ but had no detail. He would report back. The Owl thanked him and asked him to log out with the same input code as part of the new security controls.

  ***

  The new Minister for Homeland Security contacted IR to introduce himself and report that this was a listening government. The case of Pinstripe was to be given further scrutiny, and depending on talks with the WWW (Wallies with wigs), maybe some review could be arranged. IR thanked him and said that the campaign legal funding was extraordinarily strong, and the approach of quoting ‘precedent’ had already caused murmurings amongst the judiciary. “Silly to get overexcited at this stage but we may indeed benefit from your help.”

  The picture IR had of the face to fit the voice, was completely inaccurate. The Minister’s office walls were plastered with photographs of everyone he had met who fulfilled the criterion of impressing others. He was surrounded at his desk by gadgets which didn’t seem to have an obvious purpose or indeed any at all. There was a humongous glass fronted medal Cabinet parading his achievements as a toddler, the pinnacle of which was completion of a one thousand piece jigsaw of a polar bear blending into the arctic wastes. Amongst this chaos was an incongruous set of markings on the beautiful antique floor, indicating where visitors must place their chairs. Dimiscus Fungi, a beaver with a genetic propensity for gathering twigs well in excess of requirement for the intended dam, also suffered from a tendency to be insulted by anything other than drooling admiration. Not a good start then.

  ***

  True to his word Standin-Line had effused sympathy for IR at the seminar, and now backed it up by writing a memo pledging an enquiry into the NOSONICE doctrine. Particular attention would be centred on the signatures involved in the medication refusal for Memphis Chloe. He was treating this as a preliminary foray, but expected rigorous examination of the moral balance involved. Richardson reported this to the Owl, via Mosey and they all expressed relief at the apparent lack of assassination attempts on his position so far. Mosey said that Enoch had asked him to acquaint IR with the De Vere plot progress, and inform him that there may be a requirement for ‘red herring’ sessions.

  ***

  Sniffy had advised the local media to leave room for further speculation in reporting on the demise of Wimp Fargo and the subsequent appointment of Dimiscus Fungi. As the new position of Hedinsand had not been made public so far, Sniffy’s instinct that two plus two can equal three or five as well as four, proved correct again. His advice was taken and the headline read – ‘a source close to central command has not denied the possibility of a further Cabinet shake-up, watch this space.’

  The upcoming vacancy for Minister of Education troubled the PM, not least of all because he had lost two votes (Wimp Fargo and Trenchy Hedinsand) on the duplicitous EU ratification.

  Having discovered that Dimiscus Fungi was a closet anti-EU activist, he suffered palpitations. So, how had he not seen this coming? Others of course had not only seen this coming, they had fostered it. The harder battle for Horace however was now at hand, the need to promote yet another such ‘rebel’ to the Education post. The PM was on orange nervous breakdown alert. It is appropriate for us to consider, and maybe even sympathise with the dilemma of the Pompous Maximus.

  ***

  To the PM, Pontius Schmuck, legacy and destiny meant the same thing, and in that cause thought he had a wonderful attribute, that being a constant reminder of the need for ruthless prioritisation. Short term waxing and waning could be adapted to project flexibility, while maintaining adhesion to the grail of his very own yellow brick road. However, his rather overt cunning was no match for Horace, whom he considered to be incorruptible. Horace was genuinely opposed to becoming a leader and this tended to skew the PM’s faith in him. It never occurred to Pontius Schmuck that Horace would always be the Kingmaker, and thus survive the King repeatedly, while exercising considerable power, underpinned by negligible risk.

  ***

  Horace feigned real concern to the PM when Pontius Schmuck touted an EU compliant rising star to fill the vacant post of Minister of Education. Horace shuddered with horror at the prospect of bringing another new face into a senior post at this time.

  “It could be seen as a panic measure. Perhaps a temporary sideways move for one of your most loyal people would negate any rumblings of low confidence in the administration. The issue with this upstart councillor also has to be dealt with, and it’s not a good baptism for a rookie, especially if they fail to defuse the public support for the mutineer. I believe we must entrust this office to a heavyweight we can rely upon, at least for now.”

  After bandying names about it was concluded that Sean A. Bombortwo offered the best balance of charisma, oratory, pragmatism, but most importantly he always stayed with the script. Yet he was malleable in Cabinet terms. He had done a sterling job in defence, which had seen progressively lower funding. He had successfully overseen an abandonment of our capability to defend our shores, while simultaneously directing futile campaigns in distant territories, without attracting too much criticism that we were interfering with other sovereign states. Another triumph had been the feat of keeping the wheels turning for that day when they, the armed forces, would become obsolete. The savings would be almost inestimable.

  The final accolade was simply based on the fact that Bombortwo had no interest whatsoever in Education, and this was a proven way of limiting ambition of those in office, as well as those on the receiving end of policy under scrutiny - a perfect political bleach.

  ***

  Hearing this, Pontius Schmuck was squirming but could not ignore the argument from none other than Horace, his selfless bodyguard. Horace played the legacy card immaculately.

  “We can’t rely upon you being here indefinitely PM. The party could lose the next election, or you could be brought down by unscrupulous individuals. Ergo the temporary appointment of Bombortwo, a dinosaur if ever there was one! Your place in history must not be blighted by such trivial trough-feeding.” Pontius Schmuck knew that he thought he knew it made sense. Horace left him in mental stasis, and reported back to Will Standin-Line. He quickly stated that the current Defence Minister, Bombortwo, must be told that this decision was Schmuck’s alone. Sean Bombortwo had to be convinced to take on Minister of Education voluntarily, out of a sense of duty, not to feel he was usurping anyone’s future.

  Deep down, Bombortwo wasn’t happy at all about the prospect of educating civilians, but Pontius gave an Oscar winning performance, filled with emotion and he plumbed the depths of his subordinate’s loyalty, culminating in a ‘hugshake’ and a whisper of his absolute need to count on those few colleagues he could trust implicitly. Sean trailed back to clear his desk and wearily broke the bad news to Horace, who was ‘astonished’ and expressed his c
oncern that the PM was under great strain, based on certain assumptions that his daily intake of anti-depressants was an early warning of loss of confidence in himself. This of course was a worry for the party, especially as it must not gain wider exposure. Sean nodded solemnly and actually felt better about his own plight.

  Chapter 22

  Otto was considering the debate in the form of a second semi-final, and to that end he had to help Richardson as much as possible. He called on Sniffy, acting as a broker to such a cause, and found a surprisingly positive response. The badger explained how he had already agreed with the Owl that there were certain parameters of mutual benefit.

  “The Owl, I’m afraid you have me at a disadvantage, I know of no Owl on the Council.”

  “Not the Council, at the pub, just go there and the bardog will explain, but apparently there’s a new security system involved, anyway just give him your name and you’ll be vetted. The Owl seems to have a great influence on IR and that includes whose help he will accept.”

  “Ok, I’ll get back to you when I’m an accredited ally.”

  When he had been briefed by Collie, Otto asked when he could expect a decision. Then, a strange occurrence - the bardog logged in himself, a first by all reckoning. The Owl was just about to admonish him when Collie got in first.

  “There’s a special request Mr Owl, which I believe might be a code omega.”

  “Oh I understand, well let me see, what brings you to our domain Mr……?”

  Otto all but fainted, he’d been a junior member of the party at the height of Enoch’s career. He nervously asked for time to pull himself together and the Owl suggested he should have a stiff drink. In the confusion he authorised Collie to give Otto his own secure log-in.