The Predicament of Redwood Paddock Read online

  ***

  IR had somehow managed to plough through most of the History of The World despite his busy few days. He was talking to himself, and he actually managed to convince himself that most ideas which were profound were pretty obvious once they were exposed. The reverse, he felt, didn’t apply. He was struggling with this because he didn’t want to claim to have ‘discovered’ such a fundamental gem of logic, if it was already common knowledge. Certainly his theory was simple. Even prior to real civilisation, battles and escalation to wars were fought primarily for gain in territory, material benefit, technology as it existed, and subjugation of others. Sophistication was gradually added as civilisation progressed, and although some conflicts involved sacrificial offerings to the gods, the scale of such beliefs was limited by terrain and the rate of technological development. When considering the advent of monotheism, and a God who isn’t only omnipotent, but purported to be loving, forgiving, and didn’t require any tribute or minimum status from worshipers, IR felt this was a turning point in the justification of warfare. With the rapid advance of technology and so-called enlightened civilisation, there was a gradual overlay of religious belief emerging which would overtake the simple, less acceptable reasons for genocide. Indeed the religious hierarchies were not only to become the richest organisations, but the most ruthless in eliminating what they considered heretical tendency. It threatened their power, which was the real objective, to keep the proles in check. The more localised squabbles would continue within the various religious empires, but these were more akin to tremors and floods than significant tectonic changes. IR’s point was that most of the planet was now ‘settled’ in its religious geography but globalisation had grown like a tumour on the carcass of religious extremism, and this trend is actually exacerbated by the current exponential acceleration of technology. The safety net of planetary size is now redundant. Globalisation hasn’t only brought electronic real time to everything, but spread viruses extremely efficiently. Even species not indigenous to a continent hitherto, are thriving, and upsetting the balance. When the rate of destruction of natural resources is factored in, there can be no alternative to a reversion of conflict being driven by relative future deprivation of perceived necessities in these juggernaut religious cultures. This perception, he thought, is critical, as demonstrated by recent definitions such as asymmetric war. One religious culture views it as terrorism, the other as balance. What IR thought might be profound, was that this situation was inevitable, purely from studying history as a rigid chronological trend analysis. Any citizen was capable of the simplest extrapolation. The confirmatory claim he was mentally digesting was that there isn’t a solution as narrowly defined in learned institutions, only a process of confronting the chasm of differences in the fundamental raison d’etre of the jarring religions. If life on this mortal plane is considered as a practice match for the real thing by one religarchy (his new word), and a mission to enhance one’s civil rights by the other, a collision is pretty well guaranteed. Further evidence can be noted in some religious domains, of atrocities inflicted on its own citizens, while another is so obsessed with civil rights that it becomes blind to the march of anarchy, and is actually laying out the welcome mat of infiltration by overtly covert means, yes, overtly covert means. The result of these diametrically opposed objectives is the same - citizens will be persecuted. It cannot be a coincidence that none of these religarchies would ever countenance the election of a leader who is a proclaimed atheist. This is true of the citizens as well as the movers and shakers. It is also about the only thing they have in common from a cultural standpoint. So why does religion need to be seen as independent from government when it patently shapes how other governments are judged? That so many citizens were prepared to allow so much global misery, justified on all sides by one god or another, was frightening, especially when these revered entities apparently didn’t demand it, or condone it, or prevent it. Is not the basis for believing enshrined in hope, in this world or the next? Hope is not a commodity which exists naturally, it has to be forged.

  IR summarised all of this swimming cerebral plankton to conclude that terrorism is the staple diet offered by religarchies to their citizens to maintain hope. Hope funds power, the real objective, remember? It matters not how we define terrorism, as only the methods differ, the result is the same. His hope became his despair. Despair that terrorism wouldn’t be brought to heel politically, but only by a catastrophic situation (e.g. a predicted asteroid impact), requiring religarchies to truly find a common enemy.

  This fanciful distraction allowed him to delete terrorism from his ‘to do’ list, leaving it up to one god or another to arrange the event horizon.

  Just as well he had already been restored to good old planetary gravity, as Placidus entered and said Echo would like to make an appointment as soon as possible. It was bound to be another torch to carry, so Richardson suggested the following morning. Besides, IR had to reply officially to the new Homeland Security Minister with the thrust of Buckmananov Detroit’s detailed legal precedent, and add his own emerging view of the total lack of justice for victims.

  Chapter 23

  Pontius Schmuck desperately wanted to ensure the new Defence Minister (Sean Bombortwo’s successor) was his own man, yet was worried about alienating some members of his Cabinet, especially now that the balance had shifted so much. He was forced to admit to himself that he must consult. Horace had to be first, but surprisingly the reptilian confessed to not being the most informed source on defence matters, and recommended Wishbone (already prepped to plunge one of the daggers) to come up with a shortlist of promising candidates. Horace exquisitely bullied the PM to authorise an urgent, exhaustive search.

  Schmuck privately recoiled at this and said, “What an excellent idea!”

  “Shall I leave it to you to contact him PM?”

  “Er, yes, thank you again Horace.”

  Standin-Line picked up the phone and greeted Horace, who informed him of the content of his discussion with the boss, and hence the impending call from Pontius, but the Minister of Health said he was far too busy at present, not least of all in bringing NOSONICE into line.

  “Yes, I can sympathise,” hissed Horace, “however you surely want the timing of that to demonstrate decisiveness at precisely the moment the PM appears at his weakest?”

  ‘Tell me more’ was pin-balling around Standin-Line’s synaptic junctions as he replied, “Of course, when would you anticipate that scenario to flower?”

  “Depends entirely on your image management Wishbone, it’s you that has to be ready.”

  “You surely can’t be saying what I think you are saying?”

  “That depends on what you think I’m saying.”

  “I think you’re saying what you think I want to hear you saying.”

  “Do you seriously think I would think of you in terms of thinking or saying things which make you think I am thinking or saying them purely because I think that you think it is what I think you want to hear?”

  “Not when you put it that way Horace.” Wishbone was tantalised by the nebulous inference that the PM was already programmed for Ground Zero, but also felt that he, the Health Minister, had not earned sufficient widespread gravitas to be thrust into contention right now. Was Horace merely testing his mettle or was this a genuine sequence of profiling him for glory? He decided not to find out right now. “I’ll give some consideration as to how I would advise the PM on the defence position.”

  “Without anyone else being involved Wishbone, confidentiality is paramount. We need to make sure this is his decision. Deniability will be required when he gets it wrong. I have done some research on this and I could save you some time if your workload is so high.”

  Wishbone’s edge of the seat became a precipice and he played for time. “You have some suitable candidates in mind?”

  “We only need one if she is going to fail.”

  “It seems to be a bad line, for a moment I thought you sa
id she.”

  “No, the line is good. He will go for this as he is besieged by images of conspiracy against him and he has logically, in his state of mind, narrowed his trust to those who he knows will never let him down. I am one such faithful servant, and because as Minister for PC I have to be passionately in favour of equal opportunity, he therefore feels he has to be. He trusts you because you represent everything he would like to be seen to be.”

  “So it amounts to you recommending me to recommend him to take her into the Cabinet. Two questions, do I know this citizen I’m recommending? And why not recommend her yourself? Scrub that last question he mustn’t think all his eggs are in one basket.”

  “She is known to you I believe, she was farmed out to the Treasury a couple of years ago, apparently she can crunch egos as effectively as numbers.”

  Wishbone drew breath, “Not Blanche Albino? Yes it is isn’t it? I can see why you’re confident she’ll fail, but so will the PM, and now I can see why you want me to recommend her.”

  “No you can’t,” rounded Horace, “you are forgetting that he will definitely check out such a ludicrous proposal with me and thus never suspect collusion. This gives me the chance to be at a loss for words initially, but gradually see the merits. You are also forgetting that in his current white knuckle ride, his grasp of reality is out of focus and surreal situations spawn surreal solutions. He will give a lot of weight to the party pledge of having equal numbers of male and female ministers regardless of their ability. When one suspects that conspiracy is all around, the Cabinet, the party, the electorate, the media, one tries to head off further negativity in all areas when it is not necessary. You begin to prioritise according to fear rather than necessity. Also, please remember that when we insist that he personally asks for a reference from the Treasury, he will get a genuinely glowing recommendation. This is crucial because they cannot wait to see the back of her. This personal contact with the Treasury is also our deniability.”

  Wishbone was satisfied sufficiently on the negation of personal risk. He had pretty well known all along that he couldn’t afford to turn down Horace, especially with the Cabinet having been reshaped.

  ***

  Otto had composed himself and logged in again. There was a momentary pause while a keystroke transmitted live feed to Tarquin’s receiver, then the Owl appeared. The rogue programme made use of both spy and counter-spy web cams, so De Vere was utterly astonished to see Otto, but was far more excited by this apparent fly on the wall advantage, poor BNP chap.

  Otto opened timidly but gathered confidence when he realised Enoch seemingly did not recognise him. “I would like to explore possibilities of mutual benefit to Cllr. Richardson and myself, well, our parties really. I’ve heard that he views you as a mentor, so I pay you the courtesy of not approaching him directly for a second time.”

  “Keep talking.”

  “Well, I firmly believe the political map is changing faster than at any time in the last 40 years, and I feel that further acceleration will occur, so no harm in giving a helping hand.”

  The Owl expressionlessly asked Otto if he would mind talking in specifics in order to avoid this becoming a shadow boxing contest.

  ‘You haven’t changed at all,’ thought Otto. “That’s going to be difficult unless there is an accord in place first.”

  “Difficult on the issue of trust or that you have nothing specific to say?”

  Otto realised he was not going to make progress unless he offered some sort of inducement. “He’s got himself into hot water with a few of his senior ministers and it so happens that these incidents are right at the heart of our policies to restore public faith in government. We would support anything IR does in this direction, it’s important for the country, not just Redwood Paddock.”

  “I am happy that you talk about Redwood Paddock Mr Nostalgia, rather than that other stupid alliteration, but it seems you are offering IR assistance to bring down his own party. Surely you do not need the vehicle of a local councillor to do that.”

  “That’s right,” cringed Otto, “I mean that’s right, we don’t need him at all. We merely see a common opportunity to bring about sensible change. As far as bringing down his party is concerned, no help is required, they are fabulously on track on their own.”

  He decided to gamble, as he was irritated by the fact that he had, in his initial panic, temporarily lost sight of the fact that Enoch Owl was long deceased. “Furthermore, this silly façade does you no credit, short of being abducted by aliens and modified to replace cells by photons, you’re patently not who you’re projected to be. Unless I know who I’m talking to we’re done!”

  Tarquin could hardly contain himself. ‘Go for it Otto’ resonated in his earpiece.

  Enoch closed the conversation “Then we are done for now, but mark my words you will be back, do you think you are the only game in town. I have bad news for you, the train is pulling out and you are not aboard. Till then.”

  De Vere was frustrated, he wanted to hear more, but knew the Owl was right. Patience would be rewarded.

  Chapter 24

  Jacky Jack Jackson wasted no time in confronting the frog, and let him know that there were rumours of a campaign fund whose coffers were already swollen, to appeal the case of Pinstripe, and this could be bad news for all genuine villains.

  Uranus Ormine detested low-life villains like Jacky Jack, they gave the more esoteric members of the ‘profession’ a bad image. Unfortunately, those like himself were an endangered species, and to stay in the loop of current information, these uncouth rowdies had to be tolerated, and it was tiresome. He found the easiest way to get through such a tedious clash of under-classes was to employ vocabulary as yet unexplored by the one-dimensional world of the brown envelope fraternity.

  “The judges always realise this is not personal aggression, it’s just a different way of wealth distribution, something which appeals to their twisted sense of self-importance and uncanny moral bigotry. It consequently disqualifies the morlocks beneath the surface from having an opinion. A morlock, according to them, being anyone outside the legal profession.”

  Jacky was not very well versed in the concept of abstract references and simply replied, “Yeah, that’s what I told them down at the Joint, no worries, eh?”

  “Yes, I must say I find this community service therapeutic in a way, it keeps me focussed on how rehab of our section of society is so important. I always think about not re-offending, but it is like cold turkey, it has to be fixed. A time-out like today reminds me that they don’t or won’t get it, that we actually like breaking the law, particularly in an era such as the present, in which we are progressively rewarded for promising to try harder. Halcyon days my friend, let us enjoy them lest the big bad wolf reappears.”

  Jackson may as well have been listening to an alien broadcast, in prime numbers, through a magnetic distortion. All he could muster was, “Too true kiddo, that’s what I told them down at the Joint, I’m pretty big down there you know.”

  “Yes I do know.” ‘This will definitely be a day for introspection,’ mused the frog.

  ***

  Attention: Mr D. Fungi

  Nice to speak to you recently. Our fund is really attracting public attention, so we feel ready to call upon the help you offered. Briefly, we have trawled for a case demonstrating precedent pertaining to that of Mr Pinstripe. I’d also like to add that with respect to the real assailant, currently on community service, we will be asking for the Law Enforcement Authority to press a different charge to the original, which of course was breaking into a property. The new charge is to be one of assault. This charge relates to the precedent referred to above. I realise there may be civil rights smokescreens from Uranus Ormine’s defence people, however, if he was found guilty of the original charge he is deemed to have broken the law. My contention is that breaking the law renders you a criminal in semantic terms. So, pursuing this line of argument, civil derives from civilisation or vice versa, and beh
aving in an uncivilised manner (breaking the law) renders you void of certain ‘civil’ rights in this specific episode.

  This of course is a very wide issue, the detention centres are full to overflowing with offenders who could be considered to have lost their civil rights, at least for the duration of their sentence. It is a cause I may well take up later in my term of office. To that end we will be employing a lawyer with the requisite expertise. His name is Buckmananov Detroit, the best in his field apparently. So, I guess this could be a pivotal case, I mean Uranus Ormine, just a joke.

  Sincerely

  Improbable Richardson.

  This was a long way short of drooling admiration, but it would remove the mist around Dimiscus Fungi, and reveal the fence he was astride, hopefully nudging him one way or the other. When he chose to confide in Cabinet colleagues he was met with two types of response. One was to pretend they hadn’t heard, and they kept on talking about the upcoming ratification vote on when to take the EU decision to the party as a whole. The second was to reassure him that any reply to this letter would represent danger to the PM. Welcome to the team Minister Fungi

  ***.

  “Horace, I can’t believe that Wishbone, you don’t think he would be offended by me calling him Wishbone do you? Anyway, he has floored me by suggesting we consider the vampire of the Treasury as Defence Minister!!”

  “What? I am also unsettled by this, and also by such a defamatory reference to Ms Albino. After all, I am Minister for PC and this is an offensive stereotypical remark, the like of which I felt you were above PM.”

  Before the PM could script a suitable reply Horace continued, “However, I do agree that she may not be the right citizen for this situation. Having said that, it would not have to be a permanent appointment. And with the way Sean Bombortwo has successfully all but mothballed the defence budget, expectations are low. Her fiscal record is good. Maybe Wishbone is on to something here. I had not really considered a blinkered accountant, but it could work while we ride out a few of our saddle burrs, and wow, she would add to the equalisation policy pledge, giving the grass roots more confidence in our integrity. There is a potential snag though.”