The Predicament of Redwood Paddock Read online

  “We meet again Mr Silenzio, just a coffee with perhaps a little stiffener?”

  “Take a seat and I will be with you subito, grazie.”

  “Oh well, very good, you do remember me then?”

  “Not really, but no importante, I serve you anyway in uno momento. Prego.”

  ‘Charming, thought De Vere, What am I doing here? The place seems to be full of retards and deadbeats.’ Obviously a well-considered judgement. To his horror he was joined by Betty, who promptly informed him of her latest ailment, and the pills prescribed for it, and the difficulty in seeing a doctor, the cost of heating these days, the impossible task of disposing of rubbish unless you had a university degree in re-cycling, and the way old citizens became invisible to younger ones. Tarquin confirmed this by saying, “Yes Dear, you must excuse me. I have just seen a good friend of mine.”

  He moved on to a table already occupied by Malcolm G.

  “Morning, Tarquin De Vere. May I join you?”

  “I know who you are, and I know what you are known as. Nice!”

  “What do you mean? Would you be so kind as to introduce yourself? Why does that dreadful Betty person drone on interminably about nothing? May I get you something?”

  Jeez, what kind of cranium comes up with that blarg thought Mal G. “Which order would you like replies to those queries man? I don’t even remember some of them, but I’m real monkeyed about your swipe at my Mom,” teased Mal.

  “Terribly sorry old chap, no offence intended, I just couldn’t cope with all the info coming at me. I mean we hadn’t even been introduced.”

  “Sure, I know what you mean, would you move in on somebody else, before my head spins off?”

  “I must say I take exception to your tone, you must be one of those lefties, completely devoid of manners. I don’t suppose you can even spell etiquette.”

  “Two different things Dude, manners we can all do with, etiquette is rules and the only rules for me is no rules. Now can you move your butt please, you weren’t invited to sit here. How does that fit with your etiquette?”

  De Vere beckoned Enrico and asked if his coffee would ever arrive and if was there a table which was free of loosely described clientele at which one could sit.

  Enrico deliberately misunderstood him and said they had no tables specifically for one, it was uneconomical use of the limited space. He said his daughter Reynarda was leaving in a few moments, so he could claim a seat there.

  Reynarda didn’t like being referred to as ‘my dear’ and told him so as she left. He hadn’t really become an instant hit. Nevertheless he persevered, and finally got to ask Enrico if he enjoyed such a key role with IR, wink, wink. The café owner played along and said his remit was crucial and highly secret, so he wasn’t able to discuss it further, but he did add, “You ain’t seen nothing yet.”

  ‘Blast!’ thought Tarquin, as he rebuked himself for not blending in with these losers before revealing his purpose in visiting such a lamentable establishment. All of this fuelled his desire to know more. He decided Betty was a soft target, he could talk her into indiscretion another day.

  ***

  Hedinsand had urgently requested time with the PM. He put it to Wishbone that although Fetid McMac would go quietly, this would actually make it easier for the two Grassy Knoll siblings to gain momentum. His advice was to use McMac’s malleability to begin the fold-up of NOSONICE, and thereby a conduit to frustrate Norbert Webfoot and Candida Le Whammy, distantly related amphibians, both of whom had the ability to blank any distress or suffering generated by their slimy decisions. If they ever felt a twinge of conscience-prodding, the new wine bar usually counteracted such disorientation, and quickly dulled the negative atmosphere, replacing it with therapeutic party-mode at ridiculously reassuringly high prices.

  Norbert was the more straightforward slippery foe, whereas Candida had a deep protective shell, accompanied by a precise art of presentation which could qualify her as a future Minister. Disposing of Norbert would be seen to be a necessary precursor to her becoming assistant director to Fetid. She accepted the bait that if she was distanced from Norbert’s demise (she would only provide the evidence for such a contract) then ultimately Fetid would fall prey to a poor decision which he would believe was his own. She also astutely accepted that the price to pay for this was NOSONICE losing all autonomy, and being swept back into the Ministry of Health as a mere advisory panel. Her reward would be a fast track to potential Ministerial status.

  Hedinsand was not a stranger to such brokering with high stakes, and Wishbone approved the plan as long as Trenchy could sell it to the Cabinet, but without the gory details.

  The only meek objection came from Bristling Jo Maybe (Chancellor of the Chessboard), on budgetary grounds, but when Hedinsand revealed an alternative to the very expensive policy of tackling obesity, he accepted that NOSONICE had indeed become a PC-dominated maverick group, worthy of redirection.

  Chapter 30

  When news of the NOSONICE guillotine reached IR via Hedinsand, Richardson was caught with his guard down and assumed this meant victory for Chloe had been snatched from him. There was no hint of previous animosity from Trenchy, but he quickly suggested to IR that this was the way to achieve change constitutionally, rather than by unilateral acts of defiance. He added that he had respect for what IR had tried to do, but deplored the method employed. He hoped he could count on the Councillor being more receptive to team ethic in future and wished him all the best.

  “So when can we get the medication to Chloe?”

  “It will take a while for ratification of new assessment protocols, but I will personally get her case to the top of the list, and you can be sure it will happen soon. I apologise for such imprecision and I’ll get back to you regularly on the progress I’m making.”

  “I see, well although I’m disappointed at any delay I’m indebted to you for this wonderful news. I’ve got one further question. What if monies raised by donations were to be utilised for purchase of the medication? Would the treatment still be available through the normal Health channels?”

  “This is irregular, but if you pursue this line I will endeavour to assist in any way I can, as long as we can be certain that such a precedent can be sustained, as other such cases arise. Good luck.”

  ***

  For once, Sniffy had more news than he could juggle with. What an adrenaline rush! He was however, not comfortable with this cosy plan of such entrenched adversaries coming to an accord on TV. There was no sensationalism mileage in this, and he envisaged sabotaging the ‘happy family’ ambience by coaxing the presenter to drop some kind of bombshell at a crucial moment, to spice things up a little. He didn’t want to be personally responsible for this as he wanted to avoid alienating the Owl, which in turn would distance him from IR. He would get one of his national counterparts to contact Cass L’Impotadur with a juicy worm and take it from there.

  ***

  Hell’s Hill had followed Redwood Paddock in reverting to the original name. The citizens were on the march. It gave the postal service a few headaches and Wishbone was furious at the lack of control the government appeared to have. Privately he was happy that the cretins who dreamed up the names were so publicly judged, but he couldn’t afford to simply let this pass, and furthermore another five villages had indicated they were about to follow suit. He decided to act in support of the reversions, to demonstrate that PC was no longer something to fear, but had to be sensibly cleansed wherever and whenever appropriate. He announced that his new Local Government Liaison Integrated Management Project (LoGo-LIMP), under the dedicated leadership of Dimiscus Fungi would lead the way on this crusade. The remaining villages which had been afflicted by this mind-numbing stupidity were listed.

  Duke’s Hollow to Verdant Valley

  Alto Pinnacle to High Spirits

  Rowland St John to Faith Moor

  Cordiale-Under-Whelm to All-One-Manor

  Honour Ford to Equality Dipp

  It i
s left to the reader to figure out the rationale behind of the PC creations, hopefully not a life-consuming puzzle.

  The upshot of Wishbone’s intervention implied that Fungi’s previous invitation to IR now took on a broader perspective. Another visit to the pub was required.

  When the Owl received the pager signal, the first webcam was activated and he could see IR during the log-in procedure. He then decided to allow De Vere live access to this discussion, as he had a plan in mind to address the LoGo-LIMP situation.

  “The PM has officially endorsed the village name reversions and widened his support for bridling PC through Mr Fungi, so I really need to reply to Dimiscus sooner rather than later,” admitted IR.

  “Yes,” said Enoch, “I applaud the new PM’s direct involvement, and this does provide you with a unique opportunity to have access right to the top, not to mention the national exposure it brings. I believe this could pitchfork your career into overdrive, however I have one niggling concern - you have not finalised any of the valuable projects you have taken on. Certainly it looks like the outcome will be positive on all of them, but imagine someone else taking them on and failing, you will effectively have let the citizens down. It would be impossible for you to perform both the LoGo-LIMP and Council Leader functions when the PM has told Fungi to make haste in pulling down the house of PC, a big ask and very time consuming. You must not fall into the void between these tasks.”

  “Mmmm, I see your point. I’d feel cheated if I didn’t personally see through the specific programmes I’d hoped would help the citizens of Redwood Paddock. Just saying the name again gives me pleasure and pride. I suppose I’ll have to pass up the Fungi project.”

  The Owl feigned resignation that the opportunity had come too early for him, and that it was also a pity that there was no one he could completely trust to work with Fungi, in order to keep the local interests at the forefront of the agenda. De Vere wanted to shout, ‘Me. Me, it’s as plain as the beak on your face, for God’s sake.’

  A healthy silence added to the apparent authenticity of the dilemma, and finally the Owl ventured the suggestion that some of the help he had been given by various friends, colleagues, and even opposition candidates could be repaid by offering one of them involvement in the Fungi project. He further made the point that some of them had proven their trustworthiness by their actions.

  “Why not think about this and we will talk again Councillor?”

  “Yes, I’ll get on it immediately,” sighed IR, “I guess I have to get my priorities straight, I’ll be back soon.”

  Tarquin visibly trembled with excitement at the prospect of national notoriety, and was going to do everything he could to persuade the Owl he was the standout choice.

  Chapter 31

  Norbert Webfoot had been farmed out to a study group of a foreign health care system, and was totally convinced that this was a grooming exercise for promotion. Candida was having difficulty in providing the damning evidence against Fetid McMac, simply because every big decision had been forced upon him in writing from above, and all the documented resistance to this had come from Kevin and Katie Knoll (her and Norbert themselves). Fetid had also suddenly displayed a streak of confidence hitherto out of character. Rather than get shirty about this, Hedinsand saw it as Candida’s problem. If she failed to implicate Fetid, Trenchy would simply exploit the compliant side of McMac’s character to achieve the objective of temporary direct reporting to himself, and the collateral loss of autonomy implied. He started by telling Fetid to inform IR officially that medication and treatment authorisation would be sent immediately for the unfortunate Chloe. Fetid McMac hesitated very briefly before saying he would be glad to be the bearer of such good tidings for Chloe. Candida was perplexed.

  ***

  This news travelled fast and it heightened De Vere’s appetite to get the nod on LoGo-LIMP before IR had accomplished success on all fronts. He logged in and was greeted enthusiastically by the Owl.

  “I have just heard about Cllr Richardson’s victory over NOSONICE, and I must say this young man is not only an inspiration to all of us, but he has awakened a moral conscience in us that has been so long dormant. I pay you the respect of offering to help him in any way which will reduce his current workload, if this will enable him to take up even more significant reforms.” He had to be careful not to give any hint of knowledge of the LoGo-LIMP initiative.

  “Well these are fine sentiments De Vere and I will certainly advise IR to avail of your kind offer. In fact he may need someone to deputise for him in a very important project, but it could be that your party would think it a step too far in cross-party cooperation.”

  “May I be informed of the nature of such involvement?”

  “Yes, however this must be considered as a preliminary exploration of potential involvement, and requires the utmost confidentiality, because the W.C. party may also be nervous at such delegation.”

  Tarquin was straining to avoid his automatic gearbox taking him from nouveau diplomatique mode to good old ‘bull in the china shop’ action.

  “My offer is a personal one, and I’m prepared to make similar personal sacrifice to that which Cllr. Richardson has done, if that is what is required.”

  “That is very reassuring De Vere, I will speak to him at the earliest opportunity to put forward your offer in this context.”

  ‘I should have done this the other way around,’ thought Tarquin. I wouldn’t have been lumbered with this charade if I’d gone direct to IR.

  “When would be a good time for me to come back to see you then?”

  “Tomorrow morning, I am expecting him to log-in later today.”

  A slightly disgruntled De Vere logged out and asked Collie for a double.

  ***

  Uranus Ormine was out on bail awaiting trial at the local criminal court. He didn’t want Jacky Jack Jackson to be the reference point for the TV cameras during the court case, as his truncated vocabulary and one-dimensional catchphrases wouldn’t advance the cause of the more discerning bottom feeders. However, he recognised that Jacky was a kind of icon at the Joint, and therefore he had to avoid alienating the well-meaning buffoon. He suggested a covert role that would avoid bringing his plethora of previous convictions into the public discussion. The task of keeping all decent criminals on duty outside the courthouse was a cornerstone of the strategy, and Jacky Jack Jackson could ensure this with his own brand of ‘know what I mean?’ tactics, a solid guarantee that the Joint was empty during trial hours.

  He asked Frauddy Mouthwater, an erudite con-artist who knew the law, and more importantly, ways of circumventing it via technicalities, to act as spokesman. Mouthwater’s nature, as a hamster was to gnaw away at issues until he found a weakness then start tearing into the detail surrounding the breach.

  ***

  Tarquin found it difficult to fill in the dead time. He was on his way back to the café when an alert came to his palmtop. ‘This must be IR logging in,’ he thought. It was indeed, but somehow the audio wasn’t working. It sent him into a tailspin of anger and he involuntarily threw his precious device to the ground in frustration. When he retrieved it his worst fears were confirmed, it was damaged, and now there was no picture. This little tantrum had cost him dearly, as he suddenly remembered that he couldn’t remember the log-in data, having stored it on the palmtop. The visit to Enrico was now top priority.

  He was almost sycophantic in his approach, which confused the café owner. Hearing of the lost data, Enrico said such sensitive information was normally destroyed once it had been delivered, but he could speak to the Owl on his behalf in a couple of days. De Vere was trembling with uncertainty and said, “Surely there is some way we can come to a mutually beneficial means to shorten the time to your next log-in.” Of course he simply meant ‘do it now Silenzio.’

  Enrico reminded Tarquin that he held a highly secret role in ‘the big kahuna’ programme. It had to be something of phenomenal urgency to warrant an extra visit, with t
he attendant risk it may draw from any ‘big brothers’ who might be lurking about. He was enjoying winding up De Vere about this imaginary position he held.

  “Yes, it is bloody well phemonamly, phaumanely, Jesus Christ, supremely important to me,” spat out Tarquin, reverting to character.

  “Ooo, Ooo,” chided Enrico, “we are getting our tongues twisted, aren’t we? And you, a paragon of elocution, with certificates to prove it. Let me see if I can get one of my agents to retrieve this for you.”

  He beckoned Mal G.

  “Well bugger me,” whispered Tarquin, under his breath thinking of the damage he had done in his previous conversation with Mal.

  “Perhaps later,” teased the café owner, embarrassing De Vere. “Mal, could you do me a favour?”

  Having explained the situation Mal agreed that he would do this if a reciprocal gesture could be directed to help Betty, his Mom. Enrico concurred, and said he would act as broker while Mal was delivering the data renewal request.

  Enrico told De Vere it would be greatly appreciated if he had any contact who could optimise Betty’s claim for benefits by filling in the paperwork and guiding it through the system ‘invisibly.’

  “Aha,” boasted De Vere, “you can’t fool me a second time, she’s not his mother is she? She is another one of your agents, very clever.”

  “Shhh,” urged Enrico, “you are very astute. We want this favour to keep her profile low, and her cover intact.”

  “What you are asking could confer great risk to myself.”

  “Hey Mr Tarqueen, it is the way of the five families, we are also taking a big risk for your little problem. You don’t want? I can recall Mal now.”

  While experiencing extreme difficulty in preventing unwelcome urination, Tarquin reached for his mobile. Gritting his teeth at the derisory, flagrantly provocative pronunciation of his given name, De Vere maintained a modicum of control. “Yes I see that Rico, I will arrange this if you can give me Betty’s full details, as it would be better if she didn’t know who had helped her.”

  “It’s a deal Signori.”

  “Excellent Mr Silencer. How and when will I receive the data?”

  “Some citizen you do not know, and does not know you, will approach you first thing tomorrow, at a place of your choosing, but not the pub.”