The Predicament of Redwood Paddock Read online

  Horace indeed wasted no time. He shelved his normal patient role of Kingmaker, and in an uncharacteristically panic-stricken moment, conspired with Bombortwo to trigger the incestuous process of hailing the new PM, duly delivering Wishbone to his destiny. Out of this disarray and panic the vote was calmingly decisive, and even conjured up the illusion of unity.

  Finally having come down from the buzz of deification, the new PM turned to matters at hand, the most pressing of which he had sketched in his mind over and over. The first act in office should be memorable and hopefully signal to the electorate what kind of leadership one wanted to get across. When he summoned Horace to the throne room, the reptilian was modestly expecting thanks, but not on this scale. His promotion to EU Minister Elect, a new post, which would survive about as long as a mayfly’s mating ritual, was a fate worse than extinction. The literality of this was uncovered by the announcement that in order to tackle the windstorm created by Cliffetta, it was necessary to galvanise the stable majority by declaring that PC was an era in its end phase, and just like an ice age, its grip was to be loosened, and the melting process was to be given a massive helping hand.

  This sudden savagery from Wishbone was not inflicted solely because he knew it would be difficult to continually outwit Horace. His presence would have made every act of government hostage to a doctrine hated by the citizens. All parties were being strangled by PC, except one. He recognised ahead of time that growth of BNP members was a message in itself, and had to be addressed. This was but the first step. No tears were shed over Horace, and Wishbone proceeded to his next task. He set out the plan to curb the insanity of NOSONICE in stages. He expected that the electorate would understand it was a complex process.

  From his previous position of Health Minister he would have an inside track on key organisational pivots which would require major surgery, securing the fall to earth of the entropic cuckoo.

  ***

  When all of these events percolated to local domains, De Vere was shocked, then puzzled, then excited, then worried. He wanted to expedite the TV debate and headed for the pub. He flicked on the surveillance switch, which unknown to him, triggered the archive store, and he thought he was eavesdropping on IR, spelling out to the Owl what ploy he thought they should adopt now that dispensation had been given for a local study on the Hospice funding saga. De Vere’s ignorance of this particular detail annoyed him intensely, and his blood pressure would have soared had he had an inkling of the fact that he was deliberately being fed this information courtesy of the Owl. The fabricated dialogue outlined IR’s intention to convince the TV director to screen a live discussion of this issue, hopefully to reach a consensus rather than merely debate general policy. Tarquin needed a counter-argument but couldn’t risk blowing his cover. He would log-in again later and see what he could siphon out of the Owl.

  ***

  “It is you De Vere. I am surprised you weren’t here earlier with all the musical chairs happening at HQ. Anyway what can I do for you?”

  Just as he was about to answer, Otto breezed into the pub. The awkward moment gave way to Enoch pre-empting any reply by suggesting a get together with IR, to discuss an important development. “Both of you have expressed a wish to help Cllr. Richardson if policy is in the common interest. There is something he wishes to run by you and would appreciate you contacting him with the utmost urgency.”

  Otto and Tarquin shifted uncomfortably on their feet and once more the hologram broke the silence.

  “It is his intention to invite Mr Nostalgia to the upcoming TV programme, as he feels the previous demolition of Deprived Jimmy, although ruthless, was needed if we are to continue to banish red tape.”

  “Wait a second,” shouted De Vere, “I spent a lot of time coaxing the H.U.F.F. candidate to take part, and he won’t take kindly to the BNP presence for a second time.”

  “Then let him miss out, we’re talking issues here not personalities,” interjected Nostalgia.

  The Owl agreed. “Quite. And Mr De Vere, Cllr. Richardson wants to meet with you all, to bring several developments to your attention of which you currently have no knowledge. This is his way of being completely up front, believing this is a duty of care to the citizens you represent. He also dismissed my point that you may not reciprocate his honesty. I hope he is proved right.”

  “Well I for one appreciate this gesture Mr .Owl and I’ll return his open approach whenever possible,” declared Otto.

  Tarquin was feeling a little uneasy, first about the surveillance, and now about pledging his party to this ‘cooperative.’ He delivered an unconvincing “Me too.”

  Enoch then knew the fabricated eavesdropping had done the trick. The happenchance of Otto’s arrival had been helpful. Depends on your interpretation of happenchance?

  De Vere had not noticed that he had not really noticed Richardson, apparently leaving the pub via the rear door as he himself arrived at the main entrance. Just as it did occur to him, IR stepped out of the toilet to declare the happy coincidence that their present gathering only lacked one citizen, the H.U.F.F. candidate. “Shall we repair to a more suitable location and summon our missing comrade?”

  Chapter 28

  Dimiscus Fungi was briefed on the reasons behind the new shape of the Cabinet, especially the merging of certain areas of control, but of course he heard nothing other than that his role was to disappear. He knew he couldn’t change the PM’s mind on this and therefore listened intently to the proposal that he should head up a liaison structure between central and local government, dedicated to dialogue rather than confrontation. He wanted to refuse this in the most acceptable way, so he said he would give the matter serious thought and get back to the PM as soon as possible, with any searching questions he dredged up.

  Wishbone added a little pressure by telling him that there were other candidates for this post and that it wasn’t to be viewed as a backwater appointment. The PM was determined to listen to the frontline party members, in sharp contrast to the previous leader. Then he added a deadline of the next morning before he would approach the next candidate.

  Bombortwo was welcomed back by his old staff and viewed with suspicion by his newly inherited crew at what was previously Homeland Security. He picked out a document from Fungi’s action tray on the case of Pinstripe, and confronted Inscrutable Chas (a stoic toad), who had been left holding Fungi’s baby on this one.

  “What if anything, has been decided on the next steps?”

  “Don’t know, Mr Fungi was a loner, didn’t share information until it was necessary.”

  Sean looked long and hard at the toad and said “You didn’t get on then?”

  “Oh no sir, quite the contrary, I believe that is the proven way to operate this department.”

  “Well, this department is no longer this department. What would you advise?”

  “Me? Give advice? Personally, I would do nothing until a legal challenge is actually evidenced from the Multicoloured Meadow Council.”

  “You’re out of date. Apparently the citizens have mounted a second legal challenge, this one to the renaming of Redwood Paddock itself. I was more curious about the potential re-arrest of Uranus Ormine.”

  “Yes, yes I would do nothing at the moment, we should not react, because proactivity is seen as a curse in Home…. Er …. What are we called now?”

  “That can wait. I’m talking about the merits of this case.”

  “I am sorry sir, I’m not used to dealing in merits, and my entire career has been about delaying decisions and obscuring department standpoints.”

  Chas was invited to take some well-earned quality vacation time which would ultimately become vacancy time. Sean would deal with this himself. He reviewed the notes, got a fast rundown on Buckmananov Detroit’s track record, which convinced him to tell the Law Enforcement Supremo to charge the frog with aggravated assault. There was no resistance. In fact, complete accord. He did report to Sean now, and was only too happy to uphold the law, whic
h was refreshing as that is what his job description called for. Bombortwo wrote to IR informing him of this action and added that the review of any possible changes to the law would proceed through the normal channels. This meant that IR’s case was now directly aimed at the Judiciary, as a review, different in its detail compared to bringing in new laws. IR’s consultation with Detroit was met with disappointment, as the case would now lack the media currency when separated from a direct focus like Ormine. However, they could still try to keep the reporters busy by trawling up other cases which might subsequently be investigated pending a guilty verdict for the frog.

  ***

  Wishbone’s call to Hedinsand was most unexpected, the content made the earth move for him. The proposal wasn’t dressed up in the usual way, it was a brutally frank suggestion, one which the PM knew Trenchy couldn’t refuse or divulge. As Wishbone hadn’t filled the position of Health Minister, he offered it to Hedinsand on one condition. He had to recommend to the PM, on taking office, and in writing and copied to Cabinet colleagues, that he really could never envisage the health service being perceived as moving forwards unless NOSONICE was seen to be bridled.

  In his time out of the Cabinet Hedinsand had been approached about this continuously by his former constituents and some ministers. There would be little resistance to this by the new Cabinet, and Wishbone now had a puppet ‘in charge’ of a department he knew everything about, and support for a change he wanted, and had therefore reluctantly agreed to draconian action.

  The Cabinet had a new, decisive flavour after the recent dust storms. The remaining post of Education Minister had to wait until the Health Ministry was streamlined.

  ***

  Fetid McMac was quite a nice poodle in a woolly, unnoticeable way. Heading up NOSONICE was a pity really, for him, as he was just an unfortunate weed, struggling to survive in a sulphur lake. The charter of this quango ensured he would be hated, and his subordinates tended to milk this aspect to further their own agendas. Getting him to take the bullet would be the easy part, but there were at least two suspects on the grassy knoll to muddy the waters. Horace would have been useful here, and this reminded Hedinsand to tread carefully. These two unwanted marksmen had to be dealt with before he could claim popular support in exposing McMac, whilst raising his own brand of citizen friendly reform.

  ***

  When IR met with De Vere, Otto and Mixim Otosis, (H.U.F.F. candidate, a chinchilla who always looked as if he was caught in the headlights), he quickly briefed them on the situations with the Hospice, Pinstripe and Chloe. They were all pleased to hear the frog would be charged, and that Chloe had some hope of reprieve. He now wanted to concentrate on the Hospice and the government invitation to have cross-party discussion on the priorities involved with education budgets. Tarquin was flabbergasted at his honesty and impressed that he had fathered this beacon of local authority. Mixim wondered - that is what he always did - while Otto unreservedly agreed to support IR. Tarquin quickly decided he must do the same if he was to stay in the limelight. Then Mixim fell into line. That is what he always did. IR then confirmed that he would rather expose this particular discussion on the TV slot than have a general slanging match. This would enable all of the village citizens to feel part of the decision process. Otto and Tarquin agreed, but the latter insisted they should also have a similar discussion on the other two items as well, so that they shared in what IR had achieved so far. Richardson didn’t object as long as they didn’t claim that the victory was already secured.

  ***

  Wishbone contemplated the near future and the impending local elections, followed a few months later by the General Election. He had little time to dwell on the local scenario except to be relaxed about decentralisation of some aspects of policy. He had to sharpen the party’s image after the damage Pontius Schmuck had inflicted. He therefore started by abandoning the Cabinet vote on the EU, and declared the referendum which had been promised in the manifesto would take place before the General Election.

  So, Hedinsand felt that his exile and reincarnation had been serendipitous in dodging this particular wrecking ball, but was rather pleased that this timely good fortune did not extend to Horace, who was now without either portfolio or platform.

  ***

  Malcolm G made IR aware of his encounter at the Joint. Richardson thanked him and decided he would expose this bogus legal aid campaign as another example of the gravy train of pseudo victims while he was on TV.

  ***

  Dimiscus Fungi felt he needed to re-establish himself, on his own terms rather than from the disadvantageous position being unemployed, so he accepted the new role offered by the PM. However, Wishbone knew his heart wasn’t in it and set him some pretty difficult objectives on very short timescales. This reality check caused acute paranoia, as Fungi couldn’t engage his overkill involvement of multi-disciplined teams, and his proclivity for reaching inconclusive conclusions. He didn’t want to begin with IR, but how could he avoid it? He therefore sought a meeting with Richardson, hoping he might sell the PM’s high profile initiative by asking the Councillor to join him in getting a dialogue going with regional representatives. The objective being to marry the PM’s vision with their wish list for change. It was pathetically insincere, yet it intrigued IR. He would think about it.

  Chapter 29

  When the frog had been arrested and charged again, Buckmananov Detroit informed IR that he felt this had come a little too quickly, and gave more time for his pals to construct their plea for legal representation, at the taxpayer’s expense. He suggested some counter-action leading up to the trial. It would need to appear spontaneous and emotional without intimidation. Richardson contacted Mosey, and the cat agreed to summon the attention of citizens to repeat their support of Pinstripe with a potent but peaceful condemnation of such manipulation of the system. Mosey encouraged a balanced view, that Ormine, like any citizen, deserved a fair trial, but any legal aid expense he received should be met with voluntary community work to mitigate some of the cost. If he was found not guilty he would then have no financial obligation to fulfil, and could then be compensated accordingly. If the verdict was guilty, the community work would be added to any sentence he received. Mosey also suggested to IR that he should use any influence he had with Sniffy to get the media to be present from the outset. This would provide the Councillor with an opportunity to broadcast his views concurrent with any campaigning by the ‘unfortunates,’ as they portrayed themselves.

  IR needed to speak with Enoch on a few subjects, so the archive feed would have to be triggered for De Vere. Strange that it had not occurred to Tarquin, or any other user for that matter, that the Old Speckled Hen was always there for a reason, rather than by chance.

  When IR approached the Holo-matrix, she flashed off a pager alert to the operator, a signal that someone was about to log-in. This prepared the receiver to activate the system and make the Owl appear to be always available in real time.

  “Yes Councillor,” enquired Enoch, as De Vere was fed snippets of pre-recorded IR archive footage, from a distance. It was a scripted episode of Enrico’s detailed pledge of support for the councillor. At first Tarquin yawned, but then considered a visit to the café to exploit his newly acquired inside knowledge.

  As Tarquin hurried out of the pub IR was switched to real time. “A couple of things have landed in my lap and I would appreciate your view.” He brought the Owl up to date with Fungi’s olive branch. He also detailed the impending interview with the media on Ormine’s charge.

  Enoch seemed to know of the latter in a hazy sort of way, and urged him to go for it, but also to remember to mention his appreciation of the support he had received from all parties on this issue. “And stress how much you are looking forward to engaging in similar discussion with them on other important issues on TV in the future.

  With respect to Dimiscus Fungi the Owl was absolutely adamant that this was a ploy to lure him away from his current role, to one where he would be
fettered by a committee approach. Fungi wasn’t smart enough to have come up with this, so it must have been Wishbone himself. He advised IR that this required very careful consideration. Rejecting it out of hand would dilute his support in other regions, and wholehearted acceptance would disappoint his local electorate. The Owl would sculpture an appropriate response.

  ***

  Tarquin recognised Enrico as the man who delivered his secure log-in data, and bestowed him with a much more significant role than he actually played.