The Predicament of Redwood Paddock Read online

  “That’s one of the things I wanted to ask you. You must have realised that although other individuals have pressed you on various aspects of your identity, I’ve refrained from such intrusion. I would however, like to air the possibility of having an additional or link unit installed in my new office, precisely because I’ll also miss our regular chats.”

  “I am overjoyed to hear…., no I am not, I do not have an emotion chip, so it is not possible. I will certainly investigate this and by the time you can get back to me we will have an answer.”

  They spent a little time anticipating how IR’s new challenge might play out and said goodnight.

  A subsequent intensive internet conversation with Nakatolli Shogun was fruitful, and the monkey suggested a few ideas which would make the modifications more secure and specific to IR. He claimed he could produce a unit the size of a mobile communicator as an accessory to IR’s office master, and a slick interface with the pub unit. The cost was considerable but was accepted.

  This caused IR to wonder about the funding and even more about the fact that specification and installation schedule arrived as a message on his voicemail from Enoch.

  ***

  With Candida gone, Fetid was enjoying life. He actually enthused in the policy shift away from being cost-effective driven to a true merit analysis. He was also free from the jaws of superiors and subordinates who took turns in making his position a miserable ping pong of frustration and fear.

  Hedinsand found him to be receptive, diligent and loyal. Fetid actually suggested to Trenchy that it may be prudent to enlist the vehicle of IR to help spread the consultative intentions of a more flexible health policy. That policy had to confront the ever-increasing nanny attitude that citizens with somewhat ‘self-inflicted’ problems had a responsibility to help themselves. The state should be advising and counselling, but stopping short of offering financial bribes for giving up smoking, eating healthier, taking exercise, substance abuse etc. The funding from such a misdirected strategy would enable more research and treatment for ailments which are not self-inflicted, not least of all in children.

  Hedinsand had floated something similar with the Chancellor when he first took office in Health, and recommended sweeping changes for NOSONICE. However, Fetid McMac’s were more detailed and well thought through, and going with IR was a neat idea. He approved the suggestion.

  ***

  Sniffy’s high roll on news had been truly sensational in the last few weeks and he was feeling a bit flat right now. A log-in with the Owl was in order.

  “I’ve heard you had a breakdown Enoch. How are you feeling now?”

  “Breakdown does not cover it. It was, I imagine, more like cardiac arrest, but you see I am unable to imagine, and you must know I cannot feel. We will both have to observe this in our dialogue in future, as long as we both have a future. You must have been busy with all the events which have gone down recently?”

  “Gone down?”

  “Excuse me. I have this modified humour chip which has plagued my recent conversations. It somehow searches for brevity of meaning as well, and it is not confined to our traditional mother language. Loosened up a bit and quite cool….. There it goes again. I have limited control over it. Anyway what brings you here?”

  “The first thing I wanted to convey was my relief that you have survived the blackness of Otto’s intent. I had also heard rumour of his previous ‘hacking’ of your database. It doesn’t seem like he’ll prevail very long unless he avails of good advice.”

  “Yes, I cannot see where he would get it from but……oh no, tell me Badger that you are not up to something…. you are, aren’t you? Well, do not try to involve me.”

  “All I mean to do is draw your attention to an opportunity which Otto has presented to us. Presumably he hasn’t yet apologised for his threat to terminate the Holo-matrix, and he has attracted so much adverse reaction to himself rather than his party, that we could make some mileage out of helping him restore his natural arrogance.”

  “And what do we gain from this?”

  “If we could somehow, well if you could somehow feed him with unsubstantiated rumours which I’ve given you, he could talk himself into being a liability to the BNP. At the same time it would provoke my sources into revealing more, in order to refute Otto’s take. One natural consequence of this is the citizens of Redwood Paddock being angered at his misdirected prioritisation.”

  “So that is what you gain from this. And myself?”

  Sniffy could detect that personally getting even with Otto did not carry the same appeal as it would have to a living Enoch. He then suggested that if embarrassment to the BNP was evidenced it would be beneficial to almost everyone.

  “Aha, this is the very first time you have betrayed any political leanings. What makes you think the BNP policies conflict dramatically with my own? I do have some difficulty with the personnel but many of their efforts to unfurl red tape have merit. Obviously the citizens share that view, otherwise they would not have taken over so many councils.”

  Sniffy was beginning to regret this foray and decided to dangle a snippet. “I have it on reasonably good authority that Madam Butterfly, sorry Bickerstacks, is looking to discredit many W.C. Party initiatives and this could take in our mutual friend Richardson in his new capacity.”

  “Mmm, I have no entrenched allegiance to the W.C. lot. It just happened that young IR was so refreshing it didn’t matter that he was with them. I do however, want to help prevent any sabotage of his new remit, so you had better keep talking.”

  Feeling better, Sniffy thought a temporary retreat was prudent. “I’ll be back with more specifics very soon.”

  “Cool,” said the Owl without further reference to his new vocabulary.

  ***

  The new W.C. member who had succeeded IR, but failed to prevent Otto being elected, was considering a consultation at the pub. The new party member for the F.O.B. trying to fill De Vere’s shoes was also a potential visitor. It was a pure coincidence that they arrived at the same time. There was a lengthy queue, now that it was such a popular venue. Cadwalladar Flimsy (W.C.) and Marcel Scrotum (F.O.B.) both decided to leave, then decided to come back, then both tried to usher in the other, then flipped a coin to determine who would stay. Having won the toss, Flimsy put Scrotum in to bat, without the usual protective box, and subject to some pretty testing bowling. Marcel was a retired solicitor and from a traditional family of Kestrels, going back many generations in the region. He had a habit, probably due to his profession, of leaving sentences unfinished, a deliberate way of inviting interpretation. He messed up his secure log-in a couple of times before Enoch appeared, and although he had known what to expect, he was not put at ease by the Owl.

  “Yes, your first visit is it not? In what way may I help you?”

  “I am Marcel Scrotum, F.O.B party, and having heard about the now famous relationship you had with ex-Councillor Richardson I wondered, if we could, well, maybe……”

  “You need to be more specific Scrotum…. Although that is pretty specific in itself, physiologically speaking, wretched humour…I am sorry, please state your desired topic of conversation.”

  Draining in confidence the kestrel could only muster, “I believe IR caught the imagination of our citizens and although I am also interested in that aspect of party image, I would like to get elected into office whenever the next opportunity appears. So, I suppose I would like to…. if this is something…..if you are still……”

  “I believe you may have deduced, incorrectly, that my relationship with Richardson was on a party level, and until you appreciate what it was fostered on, there really is little point in further innuendo of this type. May I also suggest you write down what you want, so that my database can search efficiently, and not via broken loops. Goodbye.”

  Some twenty minutes later Flimsy, a somewhat reticent doe, was startled at the simultaneous appearance and greeting from Enoch. “We have not had the pleasure, please state you
r purpose.”

  “Oh yes, I see, I am Cadwalladar Flimsy, W.C. party. I am curious about anything new and in this case it dovetails with my profession. Am I able to consult with you on matters of political belief, and if so, can I expect confidentiality?”

  “I could ask you the same question. Perhaps you should consider just exploring specifics and establish a level of trust.”

  The deer didn’t gain comfort from this proposal and yet didn’t want to terminate the session so quickly.

  “Do you have interchange with all parties? This could be a hitch, or is it a glitch, if you answer in the affirmative.”

  Enoch uncharacteristically humoured the flighty doe and offered to start with some innocuous subject such as the EU.

  “Oh, I would have to prepare myself for such a complicated discussion, but you have not answered my question.”

  “Nor will I,” thundered the Owl, “there are citizens in a long queue behind you, and they have genuine specific concerns, yet you who would represent them, spends his time tiptoeing around meaningless assurances that your party policies will not be exposed through conversations with me. I thought that party policies were to be conveyed with utmost force to as many citizens as possible. In fact a hell of a lot of money is spent to achieve that aim. I am not certain you have chosen the profession best suited to your talents. Please log out so that I can offer service to someone who knows what they want.”

  If Enoch had an emotion chip he would have at this moment been pining for the new unit to connect him with IR.

  Chapter 39

  IR’s conversation with Fetid McMac was very helpful in launching his new role with the local government representatives. The fact that there was no longer a NOSONICE was positive. Although the department itself had merely been renamed, the decision to cut its autonomy was of real substance. Acronyms were no longer well received and the simplicity of ‘Health Medication Charter’ seemed to evoke warmer feelings.

  ***

  Richardson and De Vere concurred on the methodology of approach to local government; it should be one of eradicating problematic policy, but without inviting a wish list. Success was to be defined by acceptance of countrywide principles, with local finessing to follow. He needed the PM to ‘sign off’ on this before they began countdown.

  Wishbone wanted to hear of a limited ‘first contact’ list before this hit the media. From their copious initial soundings the dynamic duo distilled the list to just a few core subjects.

  Crime. Rights of Victims, Appropriate Sentencing, and Nonsensical Statistics-Driven Law Enforcement.

  Education. Requirement of Pupils to Speak Designated Language, and Integration Initiatives.

  Local Resources. The Strain Due to Mass Uncontrolled Diverse Immigration, and Benefits Review.

  These items, together with Health Medication Charter, were considered to be a significant task, and it was also anticipated that certain locations may express different priorities, so the order of consultation could vary accordingly.

  Wishbone swallowed a little nervously and expressed concern over tackling more than one at a time, but eventually accepted that to presume a priority on behalf of any local council would be unhelpful in maintaining exchange of ideas. The PM’s blessing was given and the first gathering of Council Leaders was set up.

  The resulting bush fire in the media quickly became an inferno. Ruby was very displeased that Tarquin hadn’t leaked this to her, as it would have been a wonderful opportunity to ridicule the headless horse, now commonly known as the We Capitulate party. De Vere reassured her that this was not the time to act, and initially it would be prudent to support the citizens’ desire to allow their local councillors voice their local concerns.

  “Let the media have their field day, we need to be sympathetic until specifics bite, and then we choose where and when to engage the lasers. Relax, when there is something, you will be the first to know.”

  She bought it.

  ***

  Back in Redwood Paddock the mayhem was reflected in the waiting line for the Holo-matrix. As there was no known VIP status with the facility, Otto could not avail of a session with the Owl. The same was true of Flimsy and Scrotum.

  At the same time Nakatolli Shogun was ready to check interface protocols with the new unit. There was no choice, Enoch was to be offline at the zenith of his second coming. Collie had his best financial week in history and the Old Speckled Hen could not be guaranteed her usual seat.

  Sniffy was desperate for Otto to log-in before attending the proposed meeting, as he had deposited a juicy morsel with Enoch, sketchy but intriguing. Unfortunately it wasn’t going to happen.

  ***

  IR addressed the gathering by welcoming all representatives of citizens of the land, and wished to mark the occasion by reminding them of the fact that both De Vere and himself had given up positions of importance in opposing parties to spearhead this initiative, which if successful would hitherto report to whichever administration was in power. It really was up to the attendees to deliver their best efforts on behalf of the citizens.

  Even at the first coffee break there were factions developing, like a fast-forwarded development from the big bang to the solar system. Metaphorically reflecting such a process of accretion from the local elections, it ended up with a gas giant, a couple of habitable planets and a few ice worlds. The remainder consisted of asteroids which typically gravitated to a belt close to the bigger players.

  The BNP was in a curious position, so recently flushed with success, they apparently had high leverage here to bully the government, and the invitation was from the government. At the same time the likely outcome would be based on compromise, a grubby way of inspiring popularity. The mainstream imposters were distrustful of each other despite apparent cordiality at the top of the parties. The Eco, Independent, Devolution, and Divinity parties were jockeying for influence via coalition. The Anarchy and Fringe types were enjoying the coffee, while observing the rush of the opening bell.

  These tenuous gravitational clusters could alter depending on the organisers, Messrs Cassidy and Sundance. IR and Tarquin felt that the overwhelming clamour was divided into two main areas. Firstly, trends that the various groups were afraid of, and secondly developments they didn’t like. A third observation by IR indicated that there were many representatives who would have liked to tackle the issues he himself had done recently, but this was inextricably coupled with fear of failure and subsequent fall from grace. He wondered what percentage of citizens were leaders compared with those who would always be followers. Just as significant was the number of disciples of apathy.

  By far the highest on the leader board was crime. Despite all efforts of the Law Enforcement Office and the Government, nobody believed that crime was decreasing, and there was an absolute belief that targets were counter-productive. Crime had to be dealt with. It wasn’t happening. Knife crime had surged to a point where the authorities were forced to admit concern, for once, disproportionate to the official massaged statistics.

  There was extreme frustration that punishments were way too lenient, and even then they were frequently not served out. Although the anger did stop short, but only just short, of a call for restoration of the death penalty in absolutely rock solid safe convictions for murder. There was an outcry to get the law-makers and sentencing judges to acknowledge that we have had decades of leniency without any disincentive being realised. Therefore, if this has patently not worked, they must find another means of correction, rather than continue to preside over a collapse of civilised behaviour.

  Many councillors suggested weeding out the administration would be a start, for example - the department called the, ‘Sentencing Advisory Panel,’ was a truly incredulous ivory tower. Even the name itself implied policy-making/moulding without accountability. The Government came in for scathing criticism that it was simply a vehicle to avoid taking direct flak. What on earth was the message here? It should be deleted, scrapped, annulled, trashed, and
the Government must take direct control of the interface with the Wallies in the Wigs. What was the purpose of the Lord Chief Justice? All in all, quite an inflammatory discussion, and almost a threatening warning of civilisation falling from within. There was also considerable clamour for victims’ rights to be clearly seen to have priority over those of the perpetrator.

  When it came to nonsensical targets, if there was one above all others, it had to be the Health Service. Everyone could appreciate having figures generated on the success in treating potentially terminal conditions. They could also subscribe to the monitoring of more routine conditions in terms of whether improvements in techniques were confirmed. However, targets for administration costs and availability of services (including beds) should be dealt with as a long-term strategy, and how it reflects whether or not we are engineering out certain problems. Progress on new treatments was felt to be crucial, and most importantly, provision of adequate care for years ahead, not a ‘this month next month accounting bible to convince us we were on track.’

  All participants agreed it was going to cost more, and it was a question of how rather than whether it will be funded. The majority of councillors also said they would have to address the withdrawal of funding where citizens can help themselves in overcoming self-inflicted problems.

  There was absolute agreement that where individuals were suffering terminal conditions, they should, if in sound mind, be allowed to agree to promising treatments, which may not have complete clinically certified approval.

  The overriding view was that administration-led health care was unnecessarily focussed on short term number-crunching to bamboozle the recipients into acceptance that the service must be improving. When IR added his own recent crusade to this, the emotions spilled over. Pathetic dictates detailing which citizens should receive treatments on a ‘cost-effective basis,’ became the fuel which would potentially ignite the tinderbox of uprising. Fortunate then that the new Health Medication Charter could be announced.

  Education was more of a mixed bag, as urban challenges were inherently different from rural ones and this highlighted a connection with crime. Most of the highly publicised knife crime involved citizens of school age. There was utter amazement that education in the current decade appeared to have drifted more to ‘parenting’ than learning. Teachers were suffering from a PC-dominated education hierarchy, and thus the legacy, a constant struggle to recruit sufficient quality personnel. There was also consensus that discipline protocols, or more accurately, lack of them, contributed to a growing apprehension of authority-drain, and a spill-over into post-school crime.